“In ten years’ time, I want to live in a house with big windows, I want the house to be large enough to have a kitchen table with four chairs but not too roomy to ever feel the depth of my aloneness. Because I’ll probably be alone. But I think aloneness won’t feel so all-consuming with windows that protect me from the world but still let me watch it”.
wakes up my heart. like calling for Alexa, my entire being awakens- my heart comes to attention for you. i am addicted to the way you roll your eyes with a ghost of a smile as i tell a dad-joke and you whisper my name in amused exasperation. the way you say my name is sacred, like a secret you hold close for fear of someone overhearing. when you call out to me, it vibrates between us and explodes into stars behind my eyes. you know who i am behind that name, behind that scramble of letters. to you, that name has meaning and you call my name like i opened your eyes. the way you say my name ignites everything inside of me. i can only hope when i call to you, you feel the same.
“When you least expect it, nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember I’m here. Right now, you may not want to feel anything. Maybe you’ll never want to feel anything. And, maybe it’s not to me you want to speak about these things, but I feel something you obviously did.
Look, you had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you.
In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet. But I am not such a parent. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!
And I’ll say one more thing… it’ll clear the air. I may have come close, but I never have what you two have. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business. Just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once, and before you know it, your heart’s worn out. And as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there’s sorrow, pain; don’t kill it, and with it, the joy you’ve felt.”
Dear picasso, my blue period has last longer than it should. My entire room is like a sea full of all shades of blue. My hands are blue my eyes are blue my veins bleeds blue and blue orquids dying until the jar is empty. Sometimes I’m scared but I think I love this
Did I want him to act? Or would I prefer a lifetime of longing provided we both kept this little Ping-Pong game going: not knowing, not-not-knowing, not-not-not-knowing? Just be quiet, say nothing, and if you can’t say “yes,” don’t say “no,” say “later.” Is this why people say “maybe” when they mean “yes,” but hope you’ll think it’s “no” when all they really mean is, Please, just ask me once more, and once more after that?
